Week one of the NFL season is on the horizon, which means its time for me to start drinking my haterade.
Each of the last six or seven NFL seasons, I’ve done my best to take NFL fandom to a different level; one beyond fantasy drafts and childhood teams, one beyond home-town cheering and rational thinking. No, my entertainment in the NFL comes from the people I get to root against.
As a Redskins fan, this year’s excitement (admittedly) is higher than any other. With the most sought after second overall pick in NFL draft history, the Redskins took Robert Griffin III. In Washington D.C., if you heard people talking about RGIII, he’d be easily mistaken for the following people: Doug Williams, Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Clint Eastwood (pre-Republican National Convention), Tom Brady and Batman. He is, by all measures, Gotham’s only hope.
But, knowing my dear Redskins, I’ve promised myself to keep my excitement sealed in a bottle. Instead, I’ve invested my energy in finding five players I will passionately wish to fail. These players have all earned my attention in a way that means the football Gods will hear my pleas for their successes to seem as distant as the NGC 4203 galaxy (that’s about 3.2 million parsecs, or 10.4 million light years away).
Last year, the Gods responded in startling fashion; my list consisted of Albert Haynesworth (cut by the Pats midway through the season), Tony Romo (Cowboys missed the playoffs…again), DeSean Jackson (Eagle’s dreams turn to nightmares), “every quarterback wearing a Bronco’s jersey” (well, Tebow nearly ruined this for me…but then he got traded to the Jets…point, me), and James Harrison (Harrison had a pretty solid year, but he did miss four games – the most he’s ever missed in one season – so we’ll call it a push).
So, without further adieu, here is my 2012 NFL hater chomp: